“I was back from a time offshore, for work. Well, it was a really unrestingly time. People were so virulent, ready to fight us. But by fighting us, they obviously tried to fight the government, actually. It’s always hard for me during these riots because I am a representative of this government, but I am supposed to protect the people. What shall I do when the people are against the people? When people are against the government that rules them thousands of kilometres away? That’s not really a question, right; I have to fight back, so important men I don’t even know would be heard by that people; so the people would ‘behave’. That’s what I am paid to do.”
“I was struggling between my believes and my duty when a young man grabbed my weapon suddenly. It was so blurry with the smoke of tear gas. I was confused. I freaked out. I don’t know. I thought maybe… Maybe I was in danger. I thought of my ex, worrying back home. I thought of my colleagues. And then, I didn’t think anymore. I grabbed it from him as suddenly as he did, and I fired it. The bullet went straight to his thigh. I heard a terrible scream. I think it was from both of us.
It was the first time I used my weapon.”
“I usually just wear it, sometimes display it, but never fire. It was chaos, you see.” I feel his voice trembling now. “The worst is that I had to move on, with the group. I had to march. To let him to his fate. I don’t even know what became of him before hearing it in the news”. He moves his head to take it in his hands. I lean on him, gently caressing his back. I murmur reassuring words to his ears. “It’s okay. You are okay”, I repeat that until he holds his head back up. “The thing is… I never told that to anybody outside of work. No one except the colleagues there this day and my superiors knows this”. I’m honoured but I don’t know how to express it without overreacting. So, I say nothing. I continue to caress his back, to show I’m here.
“Well, I was back a few weeks later from this time offshore. And I broke up with my ex the very same day I landed, by text”. I was starting to understand what he meant in his letter, when he goes on with his tale: “she was so sad when I got her on the phone later, and mad at me. I think she didn’t understand although she knew how it can be, offshore I mean. She never went but still, she knew. So, I expected her to understand eventually, without further explanation, that I needed to stay alone. I isolated myself. I became easily irritated. I took it on the new colleagues I had to train. ‘Rowdy officer’, they called me.” He says this last phrase with a crooked smile that lets me see how hurt he still is.
I don’t want to interrupt the moment by talking. I just want him to let it all out. This had put a huge weight on him, I can see it. And I wonder what made him come back to a lighter self. After a moment I couldn’t measure, I ask him: “What made you come back?”. He then looks at me with eyes full of tears holding on like it was a sin to let go. “Following this dream I had for some time… And then being done with all of this. If it goes as planned anyway.” I smile. What a powerful intention.
I get up as my lungs are fine again and stretch all my limbs until they crack. I squeal as my limbs get their condition back. This makes him smirk as he watches me with no discretion. I would lie if I said I didn’t do it on purpose. “Come on, let me give you a nice hug”. He gets up to fall into my arms, wide open for him. I’m surprised that he’d give in that easily, I hold him tighter and reciprocate. We stay like this, in each other arms, comfortable, for a while. Long enough to make him appreciate how much I feel for him, but not too much to avoid any uneasiness.
When we finally unfold our embrace, we are both blushing but pretending not to. He picks up his backpack, I take mine, and we get back to our path in the same peaceful silence we were in before his confession.
Wilaukee S.
Chapitre 5